Huh that is a heavy post for *checks clock* 7 in the morning.
Maybe something different? Evil? Wait, no, same problem. Evil in the sense of snarky-autistic-lead evil? No… education? I have to get up and be educated in like, now, I don’t want to think about that. Come on brain…
Entertainment! Surely there’s nothing hideously disturbing about entertainment? I mean, if you ignore that Special Episodes on Autism are supposedly entertainment, which I will.
I wanna talk about autistic entertainment. The way we keep ourselves busy. I can’t possibly talk about this without discussing obsessions/fixations/special interests (whatever phrasing you like) so… starting point!
I’ve been fixated on something lately, which happens occasionally, especially when I’m in the fuzzy land that might be happiness, might be mania. I’ve been focusing on that thing for about a week now, doing not much else besides working on it. It’s a project! I’m writing an album of songs on autism that I have no right doing because I lack many of the skills, but whatever!
This is really easy to pathologize for some assholes out there, but to me this is a big deal, and a positive one. When I’m not fixated on something, I don’t focus on anything. I might do the things I have to… maybe… but I won’t take time to enjoy life. I have to become obsessed with a thing to override the lack of executive functionability in my head.
I mean. Maybe this sounds bad to some of y’all. But how many of you have written a novel in a month, for example? NaNoWriMo only works for me when I get fixated. And, well… raise your hand if you’re writing an album about your neurology and actually following up with it. (No seriously, if you are that’s amazing and I wanna know)
Now, that is the sticking point. Should my fixation change or drop off, I’ll stop working on the project. This… makes me feel like a flake a lot. It’s why I try to have to-do lists that do nothing at all most of the time. But because of this, the aspect of fixation where I have to spend every waking moment on the project? Is very helpful. The quicker it gets done, the less time my fixating has to switch gears.
So that’s how my entertainment works. Ecstatically passionate and then nothing. And then ecstatic passion. It can be distressing; I actually have so many project ideas in my head that it’s very “Oh my god when can I DO all of this stuff there’s only so many hours n the next hour!”
But hey. It keeps me busy, even if I’m a flaky little pastry. And, well, I stay entertained.