Personal Fantasy of Being Scary

I’ve decided something.

I’m not telling anyone what to do here. More, I’m expressing what I’d love to know to be true.

About myself.

I have an idea for how I’d like to be talked about. You know, lets say two people are talking and I come up in conversation.

One person knows me and the other just met me. Maybe I’m just out of earshot, just left the room. I come up as a conversation subject. If that person who knows me tries to describe who I am, I know what I want them to say.

Maybe some people want to be known as cool or funny or sweetly nice. I want to be scary.

I want to be a force. I want to be someone you don’t go up against. Not someone who is physically imposing; that isn’t me. I want to be someone you don’t cross emotionally.

Or rather, you don’t cross her people. And it’s not because she will hurt you, physically or psychologically. But she’ll hold you accountable in a way that you can’t escape. She’ll make you squirm under the wrongness of your words, but she won’t just tear you apart. She’ll make you tear yourself apart along with the flimsy argument for why you get to hurt her people.

I want to be delicate, too. I want nuance.

If we’re talking looks, I want to be pretty. And if we’re talking wits, I want to be careful. I want to be known for never going for the throat, not immediately anyways. I want to be someone who takes the time to make you want to listen to her, before she makes you have to listen to her.

Before she tells you all of the ways that you are hurting people, all of the ways that you’ve wronged people, all of the ways that you didn’t do your research and now you’re paying for it. She cleanly eviscerates your attempts at half-baked do-gooding, and leaves you wishing you’d tried a little harder. And she won’t have said an unkind word, but you’ll want to call her mean.

Call her notorious. She’s a fight-picker, a rabble-rouser, someone who upsets the absence of tension to bring about the presence of justice. She’ll do it to you, because she’s done it to everyone, except those who were careful enough in the beginning.

She’s awesome, not as in cool, as in inspiring awe like a tornado that rips through your home. Exactly like that. You do not try to bring the tornado upon yourself because when it is here, it does not leave until it is done.

And then, she’s awe inspiring. She’s someone with the ability and the drive to fight for what’s right in a world of people who won’t acknowledge that you hurt them. She’s righteous and angry and she’s tired but she doesn’t sleep.

Yeah, I want to be her.

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