The Theory of Autism: Full-on nonsense

In the beginning, there was the Autism.

Fast forward like A BILLION YEARS to like, I guess the 1940s, the Autism descended from the Neurodiversitree and BIT A GODDAMN CHILD. This was definitely the first time it tried to eat someone, almost definitely yes. WOW. Suddenly, an autism, but people do a heckin confusion because it’s a babbin who got the bite so “childhood schizophrenia????” WRONG IT WAS AUTISM BAMBOOZLEMENT.

Fast forward to the 70s and 80s and everyone was so hot and bothered by the disco fever that nobody noticed when Doc Loves-Ass came on to the scene. “Hello I am Love-Ass, do not kink shame me or I will END YOU.”

Autism looked at Loves-Asses and said “okay but do you love the butt CONSENSUAL?”

“NO,” LoverButt said, “FOR I HaTe ConNSenT”

Then Autism kink shamed Loveass. LoverAss got INCENSED and said “BANNED, BANNED, AUTISM IS BANNED,” because apparently he can do that. So he invented ABBA and said “You all have to be DANCING QUEENS now, except you FEMININE BOYS, you may NOT be queens, you are also BANNED?” And he somehow though that if you blast ABBA at little boys who like pink they’ll start being GOOD STRAIGHT BOYS.  Same for Autism.

In fact, Luvass wanted them all to be HIS KIND of dancing queens, so he insisted that the Autism only dance how HE wanted. “DO NOT MOVE YOUR HANDS LIKE THAT, INSTEAD GET DOWN WITH YOUR BAD SELF.” Also he beat them up.

Autism got ANGERY so it bit EVERYONE AT ONCE, except for the Neuropitiful I mean neurotypical, who suddenly noticed ALL OF THEIR BABIES WERE AUTISM. “It is a tsunami epidemic!!! tsunami” people cried. Various islands in Japan glare and shake their heads. White people. Gosh.

But the EPIDEMIC OF AUTISM was stronk. It started eating ALL THE BABIES.

2005. Suddenly a big heckin monster rises up from I guess the tsunami. Japan glares again but sighs. The monster says “I AM AUTISM SPEAKS, IT IS TIME TO LISTEN” Autism says “I NEVER SAID THAT BUT OKAY, ARE YOU MY FRIEND???”

“NO” Autism Speaks  says and autism cries.

“I want to make you BANNED”

“Loveass already TRIED that, are you his ghost?”

Lovasssssss: I don’t die until 2010

“Oh” says Autism.

For the next 10ish years and also the future:

“Autism speaks go away you don’t even DO anything but make me SAD” Autism says

Autism speaks: no

Autism: STOP

Autism speaks: no, but I’ll stop saying cure and instead try to find the autism in your genes

Autism: I DO NOT DO A CONSENT

Loverass Ghost (he dead now); I hHatE CoNsEnT

Sometime during ALL These times, a Grand Temple rose from the ocean. Why is there so much water in this story? The Grand Temple said, “come unto me my Autism children, I am your savior.”

Then she pushes off like 90% of Autism and says “NOT YOU, YOU ARE TOO LOW-KEY”

“We don’t like you Grand Temple” said like most of Autism.

“GO AWAY I LOVE HER” Said the AssBurgers and the AssPies. Why so much food??? We do not know. Hey! Hans Asperger was actually a pretty cool guy you need to know that for the quiz. There is no quiz jk.

“But you are hurting your other Autism!!!” Said the low-key autism

“I DO NOT CARE WE HAVE ASCENDED WITH THE GRAND TEMPLE, we are… ASSPIE SUPREMES?”

But aspie supremacy was probably a thing before anyone like Temple Grandin, even her cows.

“STAHP” cried out Steeb Silverboy, “I AM WHITE NEUROTYPICAL MAN, HERE TO DOCUMENT YOUR STRUGGLE!!!”

“Will there be black people? Like more than one or two. Actually people of color in general”

“THERE WILL BE HISTORICAL RETROACTIVE DIAGNOSIS”

“But what about–”

“RETROACTIVE DIAGNOSISSSSSSS”

Then everyone forever read the book. It was alright.

And that’s about it. There was also a muppet that nobody can remember for more than 6 months at a time and that’s it. That’s IT.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s